From: Paul C.
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 3:45 PM
To: Bart Marshall
Subject: "ante room" to the Absolute

Hi Bart -

I've been sitting on your message for a while, dwelling on your words during the day or during some evening quiet time. You have provided about as clear an explanation of Awareness in relation to the Absolute as words can convey—of that, I am convinced. I make that assessment, not to stroke your ego, but after reading numerous descriptions and teachings over the past 22 years. I now have a better understanding of what you mean by the ante room. Unfortunately, I have yet to experience it.

I know I've reached the endpoint in intellectually understanding where I go from here. In addition, I stopped trying to perfect paul and its personality flaws many years ago. I don't want to save it/him, although nature has programmed every fiber in its/his body to survive death, and that includes the death of the mind. Still, I find it odd that paul thinks he needs to be "there" for Awareness to exist. I want to read or hear the right combination of words that will precipitate the final tearing loose of this "paul is a part of Awareness" belief.

>>> Paul and Bart are IN Awareness, they do not have little separate awarenesses. <<<

Your comment struck me because I've never considered the possibility of being IN Awareness. I always imagined that Awareness was "behind me," shining through me like a light. And, as I mentioned in my last message, that light needed "me" (the screen) to shine upon in order to "be." As Shawn said at the winter retreat last month, most seekers think they can muscle their way behind their Awareness and find the Absolute. Of course, of late, my previous perspective makes no sense at all—I cannot be both the light and the screen.

Part of me thinks I'm just not looking hard enough. Art said "I get the picture of Paul insisting that God come to him. [But] Paul has to go to God." Likewise, you said "God [is] waiting for us to ask for Truth at all costs—and mean it, with all our heart and all our mind and all our soul." On the other hand, if I'm honest with myself, I know that effort at this point doesn't lead to an equal reward. I'm tired of shadow-boxing and just want Grace to descend, if only by accident.

Sincerely,

Paul