From: Paul C.
To: Art Ticknor
Sent: Thursday, December 28, 2006 10:03 PM
Subject: RE: seeing what you're looking out from

Art -

Originally, I misinterpreted your questions as thought-provokers rather than something meant to obtain more details. So, here's my honest answers to your questions:

• What did you see when you watched the process observer? When higher intuition became apparent?

Whether intuitive or rational, I see thought-forms that are observable entities, distinguishable only in how they arrive in my plane of observation. On one side of the spectrum (somatic awareness), the thoughts pile one on top of another over time until I arrive at what appears to be a logical conclusion. On the other side (intuition), the conclusion is sudden and often occurs with more conviction. Intuitive thoughts seemingly arrive out of nowhere, yet they are often more accurate, especially as I have grown to trust them despite not knowing the reason for the conclusion until sometime later.

• What did you see when you did the Harding tube experiment?

My only experience with the experiment didn't seem productive. I was too bothered by the oddity of staring at someone else in the eye. When all was said and done, I saw a face staring back at me from the end of a white space. That face was not me in any way, shape, or form. No epiphanies or nothing to shake me from my foundation. I would like to try it again with someone I'm more comfortable in working with.

• What is your current self-definition?

Over the past twenty years, the collection of ideas on who I thought I was has dwindled—to the point where I can't identify too much with any daily chores, spiritual books or system, or guru. The only "thing" I see as being my true self is the Observer who witnesses Paul stumble through the day. This observing self is often lost while robot Paul gets caught up in daily exigencies at work and home. I don't know what this observer is, but it will not reveal itself despite an immense frustration, a frustration that is mostly generated by a strong intuition that the picture show called life isn't real.

>>> Mark....was steady and dynamic as a young guy, but he got scared.<<<

This assessment was quite true for me 15 years ago. I wrote (and probably told you) about the time Rose conducted a rapport session in the farmhouse living room at a TAT meeting. He opened the session by hypnotizing several members (including me) and stated that he wanted to duplicate the Jane Slater incident. He was in my head with certainty, and confirmed it by telling me to slow down my thoughts. When I did, he immediately acknowledged aloud the change in my thought patterns. However, I fought him with every fiber of my being. I was scarred with what I was about to see and told him so later in the day. I doubt if that would happen today, and here's why: when listening to the recent realizations described by you, Shawn, Bob, Bart, Anima and others, I don't have the fear of losing Paul and being carried out on a stretcher, although I suspect some type of survival-reaction might kick into gear if my mind thought it was about to die.

I don't think I'm in love with Paul. I'm immensely frustrated with my inability to figure out why Grace will not descend. When you say "You are always 'seeing what you're looking out from'—always have been, always will be," again I grow frustrated with my inability to grasp this with logic or intuition. I realize that logic and intuition are both products of the mind realm, but alas, nothing has revealed itself to enable me to see with conviction.

Paul