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Dec 27

Written by: Mike
12/27/2008 7:33 PM

For years I listened to my Teacher Richard Rose talk about 'finding the Real Self' among the myriad many selves.  As a Group monitor, I repeated that teaching endlessly, it seemed, to anyone who would listen. But all along, I knew only one thing for sure: I didn't know what he was talking about.  What "Real Self"?  The words meant nothing to me. Not one thing, other than knowing what they signified was important; probably the most important thing in this life, for me, and anyone, if I could believe him. And I did. If nothing else, I was able to recognize the ring of Truth, at least some of the time, when I came within earshot.

Now fastforward to the here and Now. Yep, he was sure right on, and I wonder how I could've been so dense, or if I ever was that dense. And I gotta admit yep, I sure was.  But the important thing, after all is said and done, was that I kept on keeping on, to use a shopworn cliche'. In my case I had no other choice, since my life was a psychological hell, and not such a good-time in any sense of the expression.  I knew on some level it was only a matter of time before my ticket was up, one way or another. I never had goals, never forsaw any kind of future, whatsoever. 

Where my brothers and the few friends I had always seemed to be working toward some kind of realizable end, such as an engineering career, learning to play the guitar, finding a wife, or some other aspect of so-called normal life, my life consisted of almost a minute-by-minute balancing act between fear and self-loathing, with a heaping portion of desire for acceptance by others thrown in for good measure.  Nothing else mattered to me, try as I might to engage in the activities that seemed to captivate everyone else.

Of course I tried to keep this situation pretty much to myself, and put on a good front, but it didn't take a rocket-scientist or psychologist to figure out this guy was running on a different set of railroad tracks than most people.  The end result in relationships with others was usually a pretty abrupt end. Only now do I fully realize what a rare and fortunate set of circumstances that really was.